Hey guys! Welcome back. Today I wanted to share this because I think it might help some of you who are struggling. We may not have been through the same things, but I understand the pain and insecurities this world can put us through sometimes. I understand that life is anything but easy and too precious a thing to waste. I understand what it means to feel lost and without purpose. I’ve been there. Sometimes I still am there. My life isn’t always easy and I struggle a lot more than I want to.
But one thing I have learned is just because I struggle and have feelings and episodes of depression, does not mean I am lacking in faith. It just means that I need to hold on to God more and less on the world. It means that I need to turn away from what others think and focus only on what God desires for me.
I have struggled with depression since my childhood. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with this terrible monstrosity. As a child I was abused. As an adult, I am still being abused. Growing up I was always made aware that I was not good enough. I would probably never be good enough. No one would want me. There is no place for me in this world. You can only imagine what goes through my mind as I hear those things.
Whether it is a lie that I will never be good enough, I do not know. Maybe it’s true that I’m not good enough for this world. I’m not worthy of being anything to anyone. Maybe no one needs me. But what I do know is that I will give my best to this world until it is time for me to pass to the next. I give those around me the very best of me in hopes they will do the same. That rarely happens, but when it does, I am able to appreciate it.
I have my days where I questions why God would allow me to go through the things I have gone through. I can’t seem to understand why my heart has to be put through so much pain. But then I am reminded that it is because when times get tough, I always return to Him. My relationship with God is so strong because when I am lost, I turn to Him. I give Him my pain and it is accepted.
I have my nights that I spend crying uncontrollably. I have nights where I do nothing simply because I can’t move. I have days where I am perfectly fine. I have days where I feel like I can move mountains. It’s all part of the journey. I am still working to find ways to overcome my pain and all that I have struggled with from my childhood until now. From abuse to sexual assault to mere neglect, I feel as though I always get the short end of the stick. I never get the help I need or feel like I deserve. I am forced to endure the pain, but that only fuels my fire.
I sometimes feel very alone. I sometimes feel as if my feelings don’t matter. I sometimes feel as though my struggles are only for me. No one else needs to know. I have a hard time asking for help because I can’t fully trust people to help me. But I know I can always trust God. I trust Him with my heart, my soul, and my safety. He never puts through anything I can’t handle and it’s the same with you. My journey is not an easy one, but I have grown so much because of it. I have learned to accept things as they are. I cannot control other people, I can only control my actions.
I hope this helps you in some way. I hope this encourages you to keep fighting even on the days when you feel like giving up. Your life matters. It matters to God and you owe to Him to fulfill your purpose.