Hey guys! Welcome back. Today I am going to be even more vulnerable and open up more than I think I ever have been in the past. As many of you may know in just a couple of weeks I will be celebrating the third anniversary of when I started this blog and the journey that has led me to so many other amazing opportunities. However, that day also represents another major event in my life and I want to talk about both today and how they are connected. Trigger warning for anyone who struggles with or has struggled with suicide or self-harm in any way.
I want to start by taking you back to five years ago. It was right around this time that I was graduating from high school and getting ready to go to college in just a few months. What was supposed to be a super happy and exciting time for me was actually full of darkness and suffering. I was going through a lot of things that are difficult for anyone, but especially all at once when you are just graduating from college and trying to start the rest of your life.
Something happened in this time that I am not fully ready to disclose to the world yet. I know I said I am being vulnerable, but I’m not ready to be that vulnerable yet. But there was something happening that was very traumatic for me. And through this time I felt very alone and afraid. I was struggling with understanding what was going on and what I had done to deserve it. I was trying to keep my head up and keep pushing forward, but it’s hard when you feel like the world is against you.
I felt like I didn’t have a place in the world anymore. I had gone through something no one should ever have to go through and I watched as my life and my hopes and dreams completely fell to pieces. I felt as though my life was over. So I was prepared to end it. I figured everyone would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore. People were saying things and doing things that caused a lot of hurt on my heart. I was damaged and broken and I couldn’t see a way out.
I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and as far as I was concerned there wasn’t one. That was what my life had become and that’s all it would ever be. The only way out was to just end it all and let everyone move on with their lives. And while I clearly didn’t do it, I did have a plan. On June 14, 2015 I had had enough. I was convinced there was no light and there was no way out and this was the thing that was meant to kill me. I believed that my life was over.
So on that day, almost five years ago, I had planned to kill myself. It’s not something I am proud of or I like to talk about too often, but today I felt the need to share. I wanted to share what happened and how it connects to why this blog is so special to me. The decision to not commit suicide was a really difficult one because I didn’t know what purpose I had in the world other than to be a punching bag and door mat for other people. But I decided I wouldn’t let anyone have the satisfaction of my dying.
I decided that I would get through what I was going through and I would not only survive, but thrive everyday after. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but I am no longer in that super dark and scary head space. I know now that I do have a purpose and that I am here for a reason. And even though it’s been five years, I still think about it every year and I reflect on how far I have come. I like to acknowledge and celebrate my successes and victories.
And that leads me to how and why I created the blog. Every year I like to do something to commemorate the fact that I am still living and breathing. It may seem silly to some, but I’m sure some of you understand. I like to do something special that reminds me that I am alive and that I am still here for a reason. And three years ago, the thing I decided to do that year was start a blog. On June 14, 2017 I started this incredible journey as a blogger and creator.
Now if you go back all the way to the beginning you will see that I actually started in December 2016. But I didn’t really start being consistent and taking it seriously until June 14, 2017. On that day I decided that I would blog everyday and share what I thought and what I wanted to say. I knew that I love writing and I just wanted my own space to do that. I had written for other websites before, but they always had control over what I got to say and how I got to say it. This way, I had complete freedom.
I really started this blog because I wanted a space that was all to my own that I could share my thoughts and things. I thought I might get a few followers here and there, but I never thought I would grow this much, not after just three years. But here we are. With nearly 1,500 followers and countless social media followers, I get to do this everyday and share even more with you. And I am so thankful that even though I didn’t expect to grow and keep growing, I still get to.
This blog has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It’s been an amazing journey and it continues to just get better. I am so thankful that I get to do this everyday and that you guys continue to be here for me and support me no matter what I am going through. It keeps me motivated and inspired to keep pushing forward. I started this blog as a way to pursue my passion of writing and celebrate the fact that I still have a heart beat. I continue because you guys continue to show up and love my writing.
Here are some things I have learned from both of these situations…
Trust the timing of your life.
I can’t stress this enough. It is so important to trust the timing of your life and trust that what is meant to happen will happen in due time. I learned that just because I want something to happen doesn’t mean it will happen right then. Patience is key and I have to trust that the right things for me will come when they are supposed to come. Hard work does pay off, but sometimes you have to wait for it.
Put your energy into what you can control.
I used to spend so much time trying to fix things that I couldn’t control. I tried to hold on to people and things that just weren’t meant to be in my life forever. I tried to be something I’m not for so many people. I worried about situations and circumstances that were completely beyond my control. So I learned that it’s best to focus all that time and energy on things I can control because the results are way better.
Don’t be afraid to be your biggest cheerleader.
Not everyone in your life (and on the internet) will approve of or understand what you are doing. Not everyone will cheer you on and support you. But that’s okay. Sometimes you just have to be your own cheerleader and that’s perfectly okay. Because if you are cheering yourself on and supporting yourself, then you know that you are doing something you are passionate about and feel good about. So other people’s opinions don’t really matter.
And that’s the full story of how and why I really started my blog. Thank you so much for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed this. Please like it if you did. Let me know in the comments if you would like to see more posts like this in the future and let me know what questions you have for our June Q&A because it’s coming up soon. Don’t forget to follow before you leave if you have not already and I hope to see you next time!
Podcast: Learning To Be Limitless