Hi guys. Welcome back. I’m going to do something today that I don’t normally do just because I know the internet can be a really supportive and encouraging place, but I also know it can be quite brutal at times to. But I really needed to open up and share this with you guys so you know what’s going on and where I’m at right now. I talked last week about how I quit my job and how I’m starting a new job and while I’m still not ready to tell anyone what that new job is just yet, I feel like I need to give a little bit of an explanation as to why it all happened.
I have been really struggling for the past few months and it wasn’t really anything new. I had been struggling since March but I hadn’t really started to notice it until June. In May my life kind of flipped upside down when my job changed and a stressful job got even more stressful. I struggled with feeling like I was constantly failing even though I really wasn’t. But in my mind it was draining and I was struggling to keep up. I was having a really hard time with the job itself and the pressure that was put on me to to do it a certain way.
As many of you probably know I moved here last August and the intent was to be happy and to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do it. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, but it was working. I was doing it. And the only thing that was really keeping me from being happy was this job. It wasn’t like it was a bad job or anything, I just knew that it wasn’t for me and it was really everything that I’m bad at. So I knew in March that I really wanted to leave and I needed to find something else to do first.
But then in April I started grad school in hopes that I would find something that would motivate me and pull me out of my depressive episode. It worked for a while but then it all fell apart in July. In July I lost my tuition reimbursement because the person who was supposed to email me the paperwork didn’t send it to me until the end of August. At that point I had already missed a class and a new one was about to start. And I considered filling out the paperwork and trying to get back in but I thought maybe this was a sign.
So I went to this place that I go to all the time and I saw that they were hiring. I didn’t think much of it, but I realized that this could be something. And because of what it is and where it is I know when I tell people most will think it’s a step back and it absolutely is. I gave it a lot of thought and I realized that I don’t actually know what I want. I don’t know what I want to do and I don’t really know who I am. I don’t know what I want my next steps to be. I’ve always just kind of done whatever made the most sense and was the most convenient.
So I saw this as an opportunity to take a step back. It’s a chance to take some time to really figure out what I want instead of continuing to throw myself into whatever it is that is most convenient at the time. Instead I’m going to do this job that is really easy so I can take the time outside of that job to do the things that really make me happy. I can use that time to figure out what it is I want and really pursue it with pure intentions. It is a step back, but it’s a much needed step back because I need to figure this out.
I don’t know how long it will take or what it will take exactly but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with taking a pause of moving forward as long as I know when I start again that it’s really what I want. And it may not make sense to some people but that’s okay because they aren’t the ones that have to get up everyday and live with the decisions I have made. And when I’m ready to tell people where I’m going and what comes next I’ll do it. But for now I just need time to adjust to my new normal and figure things out on my own.
Change is never easy, but I really think this is going to be worthwhile. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can move into whatever the future holds and I know I shouldn’t have waited this long but I really thought if I just kept pushing through that I would be okay. That didn’t exactly happen and I really think it may have just made things worse. So this is what I’m doing for now. It’s not the normal thing to do and people may not understand it but that’s okay. I’m the one who has to live with it so I need to do this for me.
I’ll still be here. I’ll still be sharing things with you guys. I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to let you know what’s going on and why it all happened to what most people think was so suddenly. I wanted to give a little background on what’s been going on for the past six months to hopefully give some understanding and clarification. I really hope this helps. It’s been a long journey and it’s not over yet, but I want to thank those of you who have been so supportive and understanding. It truly means the world to me.